Funny Quotes

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.

Colleen McCulloug

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

W.C. Fields

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Will Rogers

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Tommy Cooper

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

Tommy Cooper

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

W.C. Fields

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Spike Milligan

My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Eric Morecambe

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.

Mike Wilmot

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Mark Twain

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres