Funny Quotes

People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Henry Youngman

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

Les Dawson

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Henry Youngman

The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody else's change at a cocktail bar.

Sam Ewing

The Grand Old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men.
His case comes up next week.

Spike Milligan

There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very similar.

Geoffrey Parfitt

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

Winston Spear

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.

Scott Roeben

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

Woody Allen

The fastest way to make your own Anti-freeze is to hide her nightgown.

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!

Jerry Dennis

I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!

Milton Berle