Funny Quotes

Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit.

Robert Tanner

I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.

Nancy Reagan

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Noelie Altito

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.

People who never get carried away should be.

Malcolm Forbes

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Bill Vaughan

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Woody Allen

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Rita Rudner

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Erma Bombeck

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Jim Davis

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Katherine Cebrian

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

Dan Rather